It has been several months since my last post. Mostly this is because of my medical process–and the fact that I have been in no shape to write these posts:-). But there is another reason. It has to do with where I am in my faith, and my ability to talk to you about it. So, here goes.
Before my stem cell transplant (SCT)–and more to the point, the extraordinarily toxic chemo I took to prepare for it–I talked a lot about faithfulness. I asked you to pray for me to be faithful. I talked about what that looks like in different situations. And when I entered the hospital, I prayed for that faithfulness constantly.
My first two weeks in the hospital went reasonably well. I experienced effects from the chemo and the treatment approach that I wasn’t prepared for, but I kept focused and constantly asked the Lord to let me be faithful.
Then I entered the darkness. Some of you are aware that my last few weeks in the hospital are mostly lost to me. Between the chemo, the medications, and some unexpected conditions (like over a week with pneumonia), I have little memory of this time. Most of what I do remember is dark. I lost the ability to distinguish reality from delusion or hallucination. I went days without sleep. And my ability to think clearly–even enough to remember to ask the Lord for help–was gone. I literally have never experienced anything as terrifying, and I am still affected by the terror of that time.
Then I came home from the hospital and spent the first week in excruciating pain, and dealing with some side effects I was never warned about.
So what does faithfulness look like when you are literally terrified? Not of death. Not of pain. But of the undefined and nebulous terror that has been embedded in my emotion and my mind. And how do I encourage others when I am searching for faithfulness, and experiencing flashes of terror based in something I don’t understand?
As the weeks have progressed, I have come to the conclusion that faithfulness hasn’t changed. The Lord let me experience these horrible things for a reason. He broke down my pride and belief that I could stand in my own faith. He gave me a glimpse of the darkness we need to warn people about–the darkness of separation from God. And he has made it clear that I can run to him without understanding, without figuring out exactly what I need, and with no strength in me at all. I can just run to him because I need him, and will be there.
While my experience is unusual, and I hope you never have to go through it, in the end, the goal of faithfulness isn’t different in the darkness than it is when we are actually doing well. We all go through very hard times–some of you are right now. Here are some things to remember that are so simple we tend to forget them–or assume they are happening.
- Admit to yourself and to God that you aren’t strong enough, and you need him. It is helpful to be open with a few other people as well, but this starts with being honest with ourselves and God.
- Call out to the Lord (out loud if need be), and tell him how much you need him. No other requests, just ask him to pull you close to him.
- If you don’t understand what being faithful looks like in what you are going through, ASK HIM.
- As he reveals the answer to you (I have experienced this through others, through the Word, through conviction–but never in an audible voice), do what he says. Whatever he says. With or without understanding the “why”. And knowing that, in the end, he will produce in us righteousness and peace.
Each day the darkness fades away a little more. It happens as Jesus’ brilliance forces it away. And it will. So, Know Jesus, and Be Faithful. The darkness will not win.
Corky Riley says
You are an honest man. I have always tried to avoid talking about the pain until the last 10 years when complications to my disability set in. I have found over the years that some, maybe most people want those of us who have suffered through the loneliest part of the night to fit into their agenda and yet God has brought so many people like yourself into my life to lift me out of that darkness. I know that God has used me when I have been faithful and faithless. I am amazed at the lessons you are sharing and a few key ones that took me many years to learn. Pride, sad to say became my best friend. Now fear and I have become very friendly with each other and again their was a day that fear never entered my thinking but once I started a family things changed for me. I love you my dear friend. I wish I could be there for you as you have always been there for me. I pray that you are continued to be used by our Lord to bring people to a saving relationship through Jesus. I also pray for your health and your family. Corky
Bob and Leslie says
Thank you for sharing. In talking with others who have been physically traumatized there always seems to be a connection to that dark terror place. He is literally walking with you through the valley of the shadow of death. That psalm which at times seems just as a lovely poem it describes so well that place of mental darkness. You are in our prayers Randy. We admire you for being strong enough to share your weakness. God bless you and your family. Love Bob and Leslie
Tony says
Your journey is in some ways every mans journey. Only those of us who have stared into the darkness and felt its sickly blackness can understand what you just wrote. Bless you. Tears came to my eyes as I envisioned that season of descent. In those moments our formulaic Christianity fails. Keep sharing and keep putting one foot in front of the other… Because we’re all in this together. Disa and I will continue to pray for faithfulness. For you and us and others caught in the grip of mortality.
Nazareth says
Only you Pastor Randy can take a lemon (at the highest spiritual layer) and turn it to lemonade and use it to quinch a thirsty soul.
Janell says
My spirit aches for what you and Donna have had to go through but I so appreciate your openness and sharing with us through your struggles. The dark time teaches us so much about the faithfulness of God. Blessings Randy.
Young Chae says
Randy, after reading the article that you’ve entitled it as “Darkness Will Not Win”, I must say that you’re truly the LIVING and SAVING testimony of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. In John 12:46, Jesus said, “I have come as LIGHT into the world, so that everyone who BELIEVES in Me will not remain in DARKNESS.” Yes, you’ve said it, and I heard you loud and clear, “Darkness Will Not Win”. Faithfully Yours, Young Chae